"Safety Not Guaranteed" Review

Darius (Aubrey Plaza), an incurable outsider and intern for a Seattle periodical, joins with a stereotypical virgin-nerd intern (Karan Soni) and their lazy supervisor (Jake Johnson)  in the pursuit of a man who seeks a partner for time traveling (Mark Duplass). Although the risk is the first appealing aspect for Darius, there may be more in the adventure for her and her pals. 

Cue a trending topic in cinema and an another inappropriate age difference, Safety seems like a Hollywood film disguised as an offbeat indie romance and it didn't quite appeal to my taste buds. The film drags itself towards the predictable conclusion with occasional wise-cracks and a plot line that falls flat. The characters aren't much more compelling either, especially the stereotypical virgin nerd. I mean, how often do we have to see that? At least provide something for the tamed flick outside of a bro makeover.

Safety Not Guranteed
Starting: Aubrey Plaza, Mark Duplass, Jake Johnson
Directed by Colin Trevorrow
My Opinion: Eh.

To the film's credit, I can safely say that it's not the worst film I've seen this year. I mean, I made it the whole way through, so they did something right.  Darius's obsession with a possible psychotic was strange, but a little intriguing. The more interesting story line belongs to Darius's scumbag boss, Jeff. He only picks up the assignment in order to see a girl from his past. When he realizes that the girl has (logically) become a middle-aged woman, he second guesses his devotion and flees. Later in the film, he receives a chance for redemption. He also initiates the nerd-to-bro transformation, which allows the sucker to find a girl that is just slutty enough to deflower a man with shades and a popped collar. Yeah, it's nothing special but it could absolutely be worse. I wouldn't recommend it though.

"The Perks of Being a Wall Flower"

Warning: the following review contains angst.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower chronicles the freshman year of high school for the introverted Charlie. Despite his angst about fitting in, he is quickly welcomed by a couple of seasoned seniors Patrick (Ezra Miller) and Sam (Emma Watson) who show him just how to be an outsider.

I will go ahead and rename this flick The Perks of Being a White Person. I'm not sure what makes Charlie an outsider. Is it his lovable puppy-dog good looks? Is it his wounded and mysterious writer persona? Is it his innocence? I don't know what it is because the film didn't tell me. All we know is that he lost his best friend and that he should probably be in a more advanced English course. The film never really shows the perils of being one of the invisible kids in high school, rather it delves into the perfection that is absorbing all of the "perks" of white suburbia. They party, they dance, they smoke weed.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller
Directed by Stephen Chbosky
My Opinion: Rubbish. 

Once upon a time, I was a lonely little loser trolling the halls with my head hung low, and it sucked. There were no perks for me. Unlike Charlie, I never went to a hipster party after homecoming. I went home, binged on the second season of The Office with my closeted best friend and stuffed my face with Oreo's soggy not from milk but my tears.

I don't really know what Charlie is bitching about. Yes, your first year in high school is scary, but not when you have sexy friends with an independent spirit and a don't-give-a-fuck attitude. Shoving your way to the middle of the dance floor to dance like nobody is watching is not being a wallflower. Crying in your car because nobody asked you to senior prom is a little closer. My perks were found in a glass pipe halfway through my senior year. A film that chronicled my experience in high school would be a miserable bastard of a flick that no one would want to watch with valid reason. But let's call a shoe a shoe: Charlie is a hipster comfortably lounging with his quirky group of friends.

I will admit that I didn't read the book, so loyalty is not a factor in this review. For that matter, I didn't even finish this movie nor will I pretend otherwise like I have in other reviews (Take Shelter).  Unfortunately for first-time directer and original author Stephen Chbosky, the film is clumsy and arc-less. There is a strange lack of conflict, even when Patrick (Ezra Miller) is gay-ing it up Rocky Horror-style in front of his secret jock lover. You'd think that the closeted man would express some disapproval, but he takes it all in good gay fun. Yawn. Furthermore, Emma Watson did a rather significant disservice to herself by not checking on her lighting. She is an intensely beautiful woman, but in the majority of the film she looks like a slutty troll guarding a bridge. The only reason why I've generously given an entire eyeball to this film is because neither Emma Watson nor Ezra Miller were awful.

In conclusion, I'd gladly choose watching a video of a constipated elephant over this sad excuse for a coming-of-age film. Unless you're a high school looking for a film to pretend to watch while actually finger-banging, don't waste your time.

"Seven Psychopaths" Review

Seven Psychopaths
Starring: Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken,
Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson
Directed by Martin McDonagh
My Opinon: An all around good time,
unless you actually read the screenplay.

Seven Psychopaths is a semi-nonsensical story with a lot of blood and one adorable shih tzu. Marty (Colin Farrell), a writer struggling to write a screenplay entitled Seven Psychopaths, finds himself caught up in his own tale. His best friend Billy (Sam Rockwell) is an out-of-work actor desperate to provide Marty with some much-needed inspiration. Whilst dog-thieving with his partner and crime and reformed psycho Hans (Christopher Walken), Billy steals a tiny shih tzu. The dog just so happens to belong to the incredible deadly Charlie (Woody Harrelson). The other psychopaths are woven into the seams of the movie.

Seven Psychopaths is an ultimate escapist's film: littered with exploding guns, splattered blood, fast-paced wit and sunny Californian locations. Although the plot is muddied with inconsistency, the film works rather seamlessly and that little shih tzu is adorable. Where is his cameo at this year's Oscar ceremony? I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that if you are in the mood to turn off your mind and enjoy yourself, travel to your local redbox and pick up this simple rhinestone of cinematic pleasure.